DO YOU WANT TO GET WELL?  IS OUR NORMAL GOOD? 

A Reflection on John 5:1-18

NORMAL:  The malleable condition or state in which we are most used to or comfortable.  It is not always the healthiest condition or state one can live in.  (Dave’s working definition of what normal sometimes means.)

                Jesus once asked an invalid man, "do you want to get well?"  Instead of immediately saying yes, the man began to tell Jesus why he could not get well.  Why was that?  As I have reflected on it this week I wonder if the man's reply was a way of saying he did not want to change what he knew.  It was his normal.  He had resided in an invalid state for 35+ years, and it was all he knew.  When Jesus asks the man the question the paralyzed man may have heard it as “do you want to change from what you know?”  The man never actually says he wants to be made well, instead he tells Jesus why he cannot be made well where he is at.  So what does Jesus do?  He says to the man"get up!"  The man's normal was instantly changed.  The man was healed, but there was some action required on his part.

                As we fast forward 2000 years we know Jesus is still asking the question "do you want to get well" to people.  Many of us, possibly most or all of us, have something that is laming us, blinding, us, paralyzing us or in some other way impairing or making us ill.  While for some it is a physical ailment for many it is a spiritual, emotional, or mental long term condition that has gradually changed what we used to see as normal into a new normal.  When we are asked the same question we have a choice to make, to move into a new normal that is being offered, or to stay in the normal we know even if it is not good.  As we reflect on what we would do, think about how easy it is for us to look at others and say they need to change their attitude/way of living/ relationships/etc, and then think about what our reaction is when we are faced with the same situation.

                Probably one of the most prominent examples of people being asked if they want to get well, and then, even knowing they probably should, do not get up and walk away from the situation are those who are caught up in domestic abuse.  This confuses and upsets many people on the outside as well.  We often ask why people stay or go back to their abusers.  There is often a lack of mercy and grace shown.  Why is that?  Why do people withdraw from those whose normal is one of pain?  Why do people return to a normal that is makes them ill and causes them pain?

                Looking at those who get irate at their friends and others who don’t do anything about the situation, or keep returning to it we see many who would say they would never get caught up in something like that; that they would leave if anything like that would happen.  Sometimes the frustration comes out with friends and friends walk away from each other.  Other times is we do not know the people we hear or read about that go back to the abusive arena we will call them names like stupid or dumb.  Mercy and grace are often not shown.

                What if we began to look at what the normal is for those people?  Their normal probably has changed over the course of time.  Like the man at the Pool of Bethesda the hope has gradually faded until they are just there.  So what would cause a person to have their normal changed like that?  In our example it could be the words that are used against them that gradually begin to rot the knowledge of who they are.  They may not be loud outbursts, but quiet phrases used over and over again, each one, even the time they are said, allowing the germs of despair and hurt to get in and begin to attack from the inside. Words and phrases uttered in arguments and in simple day to day living.  Words like “you’re stupid;” “you’re dumb”; “it’s better if I do it because you will screw it up”; “your clothes are getting too tight”; “you can’t do anything right”; and the list goes on and on.  And, while people say it shouldn’t, when words are uttered enough times at someone they will begin to believe it about themselves.

                It is not just words that change a person’s normal, there are the threats that are made and the fear that is caused by them.  “If you leave you’ll never see the kids again!”  “Sure go ahead, leave, but you will never see any of the money in the accounts.  You will be poor the rest of your life.”  “You’ll be out on the streets with no place to go.  Do you really think child welfare is going to let the kids be with you.”   “I’ll kill myself if you leave and take others with me” with an implied threat it will be the abuse and kids/relatives.”  If the abusee has been worn down, or is scared, or been in a situation where this is normal they believe all these threats, and others will happen, or believe they could happen and they do not know what to do about them.  They may also have had experience where the threats have become actions. 

                Now take all of these actions, live in them a while, and then begin to think about how much people like change and the unknown.  The normal is not good, and yet the fear of the unknown may seem worse than the current reality.  While it may be illness producing, at least one knows what to expect, and the unknown brings uncertainty.

                Again, there are those who say that this could never happen to me, but it could.  If it is very gradual, one often does not see how the old normal that is healthy has been changed to a normal that is paralyzing.  Sometimes one exchanges one normal for another that is essentially the same.

                We could talk more about the different ways the normal changes for the ones in abusive relationships and how it gradually changes over time, but we won’t.  I will say this, it is NOT just in abusive relationships that the normal we have becomes toxic, paralyzing, hurtful.  It is just an example that is very visible and that we may not understand why people stay in it or return to it.  There are other examples as well such as being a work-a-holic, being paralyzed by fear of the unknown, a desire for control, etc, that people live into that becomes normal, but is not healthy.

                So what can we do?  The first is to recognize that we could be in the same or similar position ourselves.  We need to ask ourselves how we would like people to interact with us if we were in the same position.  Often we find out that what we would want ourselves we condemn in other people.  Mercy, grace, tolerance, love, support, friendship are all characteristics we want and can offer, but often do not because the normal of other people is radically different from what we know is healthy.  We begin to withdraw instead of continuing to seek to help them get healthy. 

                We can ask the question, maybe not so bluntly, “do you want to get well?”  We can listen to their answers, and then work from there.  There may be those who are not ready to get well or admit they are sick.  We can stay begin to lay the groundwork so they are ready to be able to answer yes when asked “do you want to get well?”  It is seldom that we can be effective with the approach Jesus took and just tell them to get up and be better.  IT does work for some, but for many it does not.  Instead, we can listen to what they say when asked the question, and then begin to address their fears and concerns.  The man Jesus was talking too had the concern no one was helping him get to where he needed to go.  Jesus listened, and told him what he needed to do.  While we may not be Jesus we can listen, and we can maybe point out different ways to begin to change the unhealthy normal to a healthier normal.  We can walk with them as they begin to address their fears, and understanding within our own selves we may never understand why or how our friend arrived to the place where they are hurting so bad.

                If we are in that situation we can ask for help.  The man at the pool of Bethesda did not ask for help, but we see in other situations where people came to Jesus for help.  Sometimes it was for themselves and sometimes it was for others.  We can also be aware that people are asked the question still today.  The people include ourselves.    We can also accept the help, like the man at the pool did, that is offered. 

                Do you want to get well?  Do you want your normal to become a healthy normal?